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Sometimes givers should know their limits, because takers have none | Why you should not help everyone in excess?

woman on bike reaching for man's hand behind her also on bike

There is an awesome quote, that I have started pondering upon for some days. 

Givers should know their limits because takers have none.

And this seems quite true.

Although many people will say that helping others is a good thing and you will get satisfaction by helping out others, I say,

"Helping Others in Excess will only give you Sleepless Nights.

This is so true because as a helper, you are always there irrespective of what your family or friends think about you. But because you have promised someone that you will help them, therefore it becomes an "Albatros around your neck".

Let me share a story with you guys;

A long time ago, when I was working as a consultant for a company, there was one contractual staff, who approached me, and said, "Sir, I am on a contract basis, and my contract is ending on XYZ date, but I have children to feed, so can you please help me find a job?"

Obviously, I didn't know him much but just thinking about the family and children, I asked him to talk to one of my known HR in a big IT Company.

After a few days, he called me back to thank me and said that you have a good network and connections, and you should open your recruitment agency.

I took that as a compliment and said All The Best.

After a month of joining, he again called me and said, "Sir, this paper is important for me to stay in this organization, so please help me solve it".

I didn't want to do it, because those were just simple induction tests, but I again helped him, because I didn't want him to be jobless because of some simple test or evaluation.

A few months down the line, he again called me and asked if I can help him find some candidates for an opening in that company. Although, I was frustrated now because he was in HR, and this was his work, then also he directly called me, as he thought I was a one-stop-shop for any work.

That time also I helped him source some candidates.

Now, during the pandemic, one of my close friends lost his job, so I tried and connected with the person whom I helped in getting a permanent job. The first time he didn't pick up my phone, so I called him after a week, and again he didn't pick up my phone.

I thought he would be busy with his work, and I shouldn't disturb him.

But after a few weeks, I received his call, and he said, "he needs help in sourcing some more candidates".

I was so angry at this time, that you don't bother if someone calls you, and at the time of need, you directly telephone me?

But I remained calm, and I asked him to help my friend for getting a job in his company, and now his tone suddenly changed, as if I was asking him for a favor to do. He said, there are no vacancies for his job role, and that his company won't take anyone who has been kicked out because of the pandemic.

I was furious at this time, and it was this time that I realized that he never wanted to help only. And he was a taker for sure, who would never want to help even if he could have.

Although, I helped my friend a job in that company itself, and on a bigger post than what he was doing, this changed my perception about helping others.

Why helping others every time should not be your priority?
Everyone in this world has come with their Destin, and we can't change it by helping others. Some people work hard, and others just wait for others to help, and this is something that keeps them bogged down for life.

I have seen people, who never used to work hard, and always asked for help from their colleagues, and after a few years, they are still searching for jobs, while others who worked hard are settling down and raising their children.

Although we all come with our destinies, it is us and only us who can change our destiny if we worked hard enough.

If you helped someone today, he or will always wait for you or for some other person that can help him or her, and he or she will never try to work hard and find a solution to an issue. 

On the other hand, if you taught a person how to live life and how to solve problems, then he or she will be able to live on their terms and hence they will be thanking you for the teachings that you provided him or her at that time.

How to deal with monetary requests?
Monetary requests are difficult to answer, and sometimes it is something that we are never able to do.

We should understand, that even if someone who is asking for money is our best friend, money has the power to destroy a friendship as well.

It is better to provide food or shelter to the person in need and not offer monetary benefits, this is because a person who gets addicted to asking for money from one person or another, always finds it difficult to make money, and if that person is your best friend, then you can also not ask the money back.

If someone asks me for money, I usually say, "Bro ... I can buy you food and vegetables for you and your family for this month, but please don't ask me for any monetary help".

This is important to understand because, when you offer food to someone who is asking for money, you are not expecting anything back when he starts earning money again, but when you give your money to someone who is asking for it, then you expect that he will be giving it back to you after some time, which is usually not possible in many cases.

Why helping is a bad thing on its own?
Although many people won't agree with me, helping others makes their handicap. 

I have observed it since my childhood when I used to show a simple answer to my friend, and then he copies everything from my sheet itself. This was my first experience as a handicapped help taker.

Another thing is that, when you help others, they don't take it as a favor, but they think that you did this because you wanted to do it, and not because of favor, because of which you are always in a downward state.

It is like trying to drink water from a waterfall by standing on the mountain itself. But you are taking help, you should have your hands spread out and you should be on lower ground, then only you can drink water from a waterfall, and not by standing on the head of the waterfall.

Similarly, someone who takes help regularly starts believing that the person helping is doing it because he can and he is willing to do it and doesn't consider it a bad thing at all, because of which your value also decreases.

I have seen people who take things for granted, and they think that those who help have already sufficient and hence can provide their assistance.

They don't understand that the person who is extending some help is also having his o her difficulties and they are not able to live a happy life, and they are helping you and taking your frustrations on themselves. This is the havoc that you are creating with your life.

How can helping others bring frustrations?
Helping others is something that will always keep you occupied. Although it is always good to help if you are helping others regularly, and others are taking advantage of your help then you are always going to be frustrated.

This is simply because you are not doing it. After all, it is enjoyable, but you have to do it because you don't want to be a person who doesn't help at all. This is not true, and you were the only person that provided help to them.

The reason was that the person that came to ask for your help wanted you to perform all the tasks that he or she should have performed.

And when we are doing some work forcefully, we are always under pressure, because we know the fact that something that we are doing right now is not going to benefit us in any form. That's why helping others always is not a good thing if you have made it a habit of yours.

How to say no to help requests?
Saying no to help requests can be one of the biggest things to do for you, but this is so important for you, that you should do it without any regret.

First, try to see if the request that has come to you is genuine or not. This is because we want to ensure that we don't say no to genuine people.

If you feel that your body is becoming tight after listening to another person's request or you feel a sudden no in your heart, then just say "NO". I cannot help you with this task.

This is because your body knows better if you want to do a task or not.

Having said that, if you believe that saying NO to one thing gives you more flexibility in selecting your area of interest, and working on other awesome things, then it will be much easier for you to say no.

Also, nothing is more important than your mental health, and if some request is giving you headaches, it is better to leave that task and say No to that ask. You can always help other genuine people who will always appreciate your help.

Although helping others is not a bad thing. It also benefits you in the longer run, as you can make new connections.

But helping others just for the sake of helping and also exhausting in the process is not worth the effort.

Weigh the pros and cons of helping your family and friends and then only take a decision of taking on a project or task, this is because it's you and only you that will have to live with the work or tasks that you have taken in your kitty.


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