In Indian society, living with parents and taking care of them in old age was the ‘given’, particularly for sons! Staying independent of parents had a certain stigma attached to it! Empty nests, however, are fast becoming a reality in our modern-day life, particularly in urban India. For a society that was weaned on the concept of big joint families, the change is dramatic! Many of my generations are struggling to adjust to the harsh realities of life as we find that the kids have flown the coop, leaving our nests empty! In the building I live in at Vadodara, out of 12 flats, as many as 6 families have their nests empty – children living away! Several socio-economic factors are responsible for the change. Today’s elderly parents often have to deal with uncertain futures in the last leg of their lives! This is true mainly for service class people but even business and agricultural families are getting affected.

It would be worthwhile to examine some of the factors that have contributed to this situation.

1. Changing contours of the Indian economy
2. Aspirational India with increased job mobility
3. Changing Social norms and the evolution of Nuclear Families

Changing contours of Indian Economy: Munshi Prem Chand, the celebrated Hindi novelist has brilliantly portrayed the changing contours of rural economy and the impact of industrialization-induced urbanization in his literary masterpieces – Rangbhoomi (1924) and Godaan (1936). India continues to be an agrarian economy but as landholding size started fragmenting, due to the growing population, it has led to reduced dependence on agricultural income.   As per 2021 data, 67% of farm holdings are less than 1 hectare in size and nearly 60 percent of India’s total cultivated area is rainfed. The average farm size which was 2.28 hectares in 1971 is now only 1.15 hectares. Agriculture is no longer a full-time occupation and young men have been migrating to cities, looking for employment to supplement their incomes. We find a heavy presence of people from rural hinterlands in metropolitan cities – people migrate in search of employment and job opportunities. We see similar patterns in prosperous states like Kerala (employment in the Gulf and other Indian states) and Punjab (Gulf and Canada). I have seen palatial houses in Kerala and rural Punjab, built from money earned in the Gulf – with only old parents living there! I know of several Malayali families who came to Gujarat for employment but have now settled down there, visiting families back home maybe once in 3-4 years. The Hills of Garhwal and Kumaon in Uttarakhand have traditionally been known for their ‘money-order economy’ since menfolk would leave the hills seeking employment in the plains or large cities.

Aspirational India with increased job mobility: Even after discounting the limitations of India’s faulty education system, literacy rates in India have increased from 12% in 1947 to 74% in 2021. This has given birth to a young, aspirational Inda where youth are not content to stick to the traditional trades and occupations of their parents, be it agriculture or other skills. Service class parents like me know that a child shall stay with them only till he/she passes Class 12; after that, children take off - for technical education or other career-oriented skill development courses. Armed with technical qualifications, these young boys and girls start looking for job opportunities that can rarely be found in smaller towns. My son left home for doing his B Tech after passing Class 12; he found employment in a big city 11 years ago and is virtually settled there now! My businessman friend’s only son left India after getting his Pharmacy degree and migrated to the greener pastures of the USA almost 2 decades back, not showing ANY inclination towards entering his father’s established business in India! A couple of years back, it came to light that people from North East were present in high numbers in the ‘service sector’ of Kerala, Karnataka, and Tamil Nadu because of inadequate job opportunities in their own states.

Changing Social norms and Nuclear Families: While change is the only constant in this uncertain world, the rate of change in social norms over the last 3-4 decades has left several of us gasping for breath! Large joint families have gone out of vogue as family sizes have shrunk to 2 kids in my time and, just one in current times. Jobs in different cities ensured the disintegration of families into smaller units. A family from UP that I know well, found 4 brothers living in four different cities due to their jobs. Over the years, visits to the ‘original family house’ got reduced to a ritualistic visit once a year (summer vacations) or to attend family events! Gradually, the ‘sub units’ got engrossed in their own lives (education or jobs) and the patriarchal home became a distant memory! Of the four brothers, not one chose to follow the trade of their father! I have also seen similar scenarios in a business family – brothers separated businesses in the name of expansion. Over the years, differences amongst ladies lead to the separation of kitchens; soon, the house got too small for their comfort and the brothers decided to sell the original house to build their individual nests! At times, units with double income became ambitious to expand their individual wings rather than carry the whole flock together! Reduced individual tolerance levels have also led to the breakdown of families with each unit wanting ‘freedom’ to live as per one’s choice! Today, everyone wants ‘individual’ facilities. I remember that in the 1960s, in Srinagar, our extended family of 14 people managed to lead normal lives, without treading on each other’s toes even while sharing just one toilet! Is that scenario possible today?

Financial independence amongst seniors, too, has its impact on the decision to live independently of children, at least as long as one is physically fit! One of my neighbors has two daughters living abroad; he has visited them 2-3 times but was not comfortable living with them long-term. His wife told me that she has her own friend circle, her own independence which she misses when abroad! Another friend, with two sons in Chennai, visits them once in 6 months but returns to his nest in Jammu to enjoy his independence! This situation can continue only till he and his wife are physically fit – unfortunately, if either of the two is taken away, the other partner might find living alone difficult!

Another important change that has come into Indian society is that girls no longer hesitate in taking care of old parents. I know of several people who stay with their married daughters without the ‘sense of guilt’ that our own elders would associate with staying with married daughters. My late grandfather refused to take even a glass of water at the house of my ‘bua’ at Rainawari! That situation, luckily, has changed for the better to a very considerable extent! Today, people are as comfortable staying with their daughters as they are with their sons! Of course, living with children in cities of their employment often comes with its own set of problems – from costly accommodation (especially in Metros) to lack of companionship.

KP community has historically been a ‘service’ class dominated community with people mostly engaged in jobs; govt jobs were preferred but we were quite open to private sector employment if nothing else was available. As long as we were confined to the Kashmir valley, KPs had a connection with our roots. Post-1990, we lost that connection and, like driftwood, were thrown to the mercy of waves, in the ocean called India! The younger generation got opportunities for technical education across India and, in due course, found employment in bigger cities! I remember my house in Gole Gujral, Jammu in 1990-92 – almost half a dozen relative families were living in near proximity, and our lawn used to be full of children running around. I paid a visit to the locality in 2021 and was shocked to find that the entire lane, with over 12 houses did not have a single child from that group living there. Beautiful homes, built by hard-working parents post Exodus, were empty like shells. I saw similar scenes in KP concentration areas like Talab Tiloo, Bhagwati Nagar, Sarwal, Durga Nagar, Janipur, Trikuta Nagar, etc. Parents living alone was the norm! Babysitting is one of the commonest reasons for visiting or being with children, sons or daughters!

West has a tradition of children living with parents only till age 18. Both parents and kids are mentally prepared for the separation. I recall a relative in Toronto telling me that she was planning to go on a trip to Iceland because her son was turning 18 and she would not be able to hold him beyond that age! A KP gentleman living in the USA had a family dispute with his wife and daughter recently. Police told his 25-year-old daughter that she had no legal right to be in her father’s house! I have been living in North America for the last 8 months and have seen the kind of effort parents put in to develop their kids. The physical effort and involvement in ensuring they learn sports and other activities is stupendous. There are community training sessions for kids as young as 30 months – swimming, soccer, ice hockey, music, etc. Parents spend time on the all-around development of their kids but probably have lesser expectations in return! One positive social change we are seeing is the willingness of daughters in taking care of their parents during old age or at the time of their need! I know of a Canada-based lady who came to be with her very aged parents and spent a few months with them at NOIDA (they were unwilling to travel to Canada). Likewise, another one is traveling to be with her old Mom in Nepal. These are the most welcome developments!

In India, we are reluctant to let our children go, even after they mature or get married! Living with a son or daughter on a permanent basis is a luxury today and not many are that lucky nowadays! The time has come for us seniors to see the writing on the wall! We need to be mentally prepared to live independently. Let go of the children – let them feel free to spread wings and take flight. We must give our children a decent upbringing, including a strong cultural base. Then leave it to them! If they take care of you, and give you attention, affection, and companionship, consider yourself lucky. If not, so be it! No reason to lose heart! In the West, facilities exist for taking care of Senior Citizens, including assisted living. India is yet to see the development of that kind of infrastructure. However, in various cities, gated communities for senior citizens are coming up – akin to Senior Citizen homes where healthcare and assisted living are assured besides companionship. In another few years, more such Senior Citizen Specific facilities are bound to come up. Banks are now giving special privileges to Senior Citizens, including Reverse Mortgage Loans on property. A recent interaction with a friend came as an eye opener – he and his wife have identified an Old Age Home where they plan to shift after Reverse Mortgaging their property. Their rapport with their daughter-in-law is rather frosty and their daughter lives abroad – they are not too keen on living abroad. My friend’s advice was very practical, “Prepare your will and keep some funds for your old age. Even better, spend your money on yourself by traveling and seeing places while you can enjoy it! Stop taking pity on yourself – that would be the biggest disservice one can do to one’s own sense of dignity,” That, to my mind, makes a lot of sense!

Having said that, I must add a disclaimer! The subject discussed herein is very touchy and sensitive. Views of individuals shall vary, depending on individual experiences and set of beliefs. Much depends on our mindsets. Without justifying any behavior or labeling anything good or bad, it is a fact that once infirmity strikes, a person craves for his own family and wishes to be cared for by his own rather than strangers or acquaintances! This is very much a part of our traditional and cultural upbringing!